Oh Madelleine, I feel for you. Your bubble seems very apt. On a goodish day our bubble is comfortable enough while we keep our attention and expectations modest. The other day, a friend asked what I miss the most, and I teared up and told her “Just walking around, being able to stroll here and there, wherever I want, all day. The French call it flâneur..” I’m weeping now, a little, as I type this. Sometimes it feels like old me died, and new me has been born again from the ashes. New me is great, but so was old me. I miss her. And yes, we have to deal with this in our bodies a little at a time because otherwise its too much. Similar to how people ask why I don’t sob and writhe with severe migraine and I say it just hurts so much more if I do that, eventually, you train yourself out of it.
Thank you for sharing these hard truths, and inviting us to share also.
Flâneur… what an awesome word! I so miss that too. And you’re so right we get used to it and manage the sorrow and grief so as not to overwhelm us. Full on crying is tough on the system… Thank you for sharing 🌸❤️
I seem to find that the grief process spirals round over and over again. I will be safe inside my bubble, happily minding my own business, when something, often something simple, will intrude and set the cycle off all over again. The cycle never seems to lessen in intensity or length. I go through the whole gamete of grief denial etc. I’ve learnt to sit it out, to chunter at the world, (can’t do big emotions with its though as too energy draining), and let the bubble close again. I try to validate my emotions though. I am allowed to feel this way, and yes it very definitely isn’t fair and is shit. I don’t think I will ever fully accept that this is it. I’d love a medical breakthrough just to be half of what I used to be. Our dreams are valid. You singing your songs on stage is a valid dream, and you should be allowed to both celebrate what you have done and grieve what you haven’t. (Right drs appointment soon, need to go)
Thanks, a quick blood draw and then out of there, so relatively easy.
My triggers now tend to be the pics hubby takes on his walks out with the dog, I adore nature and always loved exploring new places. Kids are behind me now and I did that so not a trigger. Travelling abroad for holidays etc, just travelling I suppose - knowing if I go somewhere I can’t really explore because I will be resting from the journey. Only planning one or 2 small things in a weeks holiday. These irk me.
I’m familiar with this bubble. My household isolated strictly for four years after the pandemic started (we’re still pretty strict) and I had such grief at everything I was missing and losing. But when I stayed within the bubble of my everyday present moments, I could find contentment. I ask myself if I should find a “better” way to cope, but I haven’t really come up with one.
Thank you for sharing all this so openly. It’s a lot and I cannot imagine how this feels for you.
I only know what grief is because of those of you who have written about it. When I was grieving the loss of my life in 2018, the loss of my health, job, income, career. I did not know grief was what this was. Turned out I had a lot of it in my body, adding to the dysregulation.
I invested a big part of my healing into learning to regulate my emotions. It’s brought me a long way, though I still have some work to do. I’ve spent time grieving a friendship recently - a first for me to feel it in my body. I used to be so numbed out from all the drunk, drugs, tv, sex, work, I didn’t allow myself to feel.
I wrote my own interpretation of grief and acceptance a couple of years ago…the journey of it continues on even when I was at this point, experiencing over 50% wellness.
For anyone that has capacity and would like to read it:
Emotional regulation is an important part of dealing with grief, too. Being able to validate and allow it in your body is definitely helpful. Thank you for sharing your writing 🌸❤️
Thank you for sharing. I, too, can relate to coping okay inside my bubble as well as the grief that comes when reminded about the things out of reach through no fault of me own. Hoping for better days ahead for all of us.
I'd be lost without my Bubble. It's a safe and quiet place for me to return to. Sometimes the grief can side swipe you out of nowhere. It could be anything or something I thought I was OK with but not on that particular day. Who knows. But it's ok. It happens. Sending you love from my Bubble to yours 🫶
Talking with children is a big grief trigger for me too. A source of delight that often leads to a wave of grief. Not creating but reminding. Pressing on that tender spot. I am careful not to press on it myself (not that TV show, not that book) so that touch comes from the world outside of my life.
A few days ago I wrote in my journal, “I have a mother’s love. To whom shall I give it?”
I think there are many answers to that question: to my goddaughter, to my friends, the children of my friends, to my partner, to my cat, to the earth. To myself, in gently mothering myself through the grief.
But there is always this imagined daughter that exists just beyond my sight. 7 years sick now— could that be her age? Would she be 3 or 5 or 1? Growing inside me right now? I thought my life would be different. I thought it could include her.
Thank you, Madelleine, for creating a space where these words could flow through. I usually find it hard to talk about it. When I next do a Metta meditation for those who experience the suffering of wanting a child and not having one, I will include you. Inhale / the pain. Exhale / relief.
This is so beautiful, Ariana, and I love your question: I have a mother’s love. To whom shall I give it?” I will be asking myself that question, too. It’s powerful ❤️🌸
I relate to this. I also am ok in my bubble, but at times I am reminded that the outside world is so much bigger. It is hard.
It’s a huge world out there… and it’s so hard not to be part of it 🌸❤️
Oh Madelleine, I feel for you. Your bubble seems very apt. On a goodish day our bubble is comfortable enough while we keep our attention and expectations modest. The other day, a friend asked what I miss the most, and I teared up and told her “Just walking around, being able to stroll here and there, wherever I want, all day. The French call it flâneur..” I’m weeping now, a little, as I type this. Sometimes it feels like old me died, and new me has been born again from the ashes. New me is great, but so was old me. I miss her. And yes, we have to deal with this in our bodies a little at a time because otherwise its too much. Similar to how people ask why I don’t sob and writhe with severe migraine and I say it just hurts so much more if I do that, eventually, you train yourself out of it.
Thank you for sharing these hard truths, and inviting us to share also.
Flâneur… what an awesome word! I so miss that too. And you’re so right we get used to it and manage the sorrow and grief so as not to overwhelm us. Full on crying is tough on the system… Thank you for sharing 🌸❤️
Children, or pregnant women, trigger my grief too. Or seeing families doing silly things with their children.
I usually go home and cry. If my husband is around I’ll ask for a big hug
I so feel you! Good to ask for hugs 🌸❤️
What do you do with your grief? 💚
I acknowledge it, give myself a mental hug.
How do you mental hug? Just visualise hugging yourself? Or visualise wrapping your arms around yourself? 💚
Yea, I picture myself hugging the grief almost. And huggin myself. I may also talk to myself “it’s ok to miss xyz and have xyz dream.” I often do this meditation too: https://www.bedperspective.com/p/grief-meditation-chronic-illness
Oh yes, I’ve done this meditation 💚 I like that, hugging the grief.
I seem to find that the grief process spirals round over and over again. I will be safe inside my bubble, happily minding my own business, when something, often something simple, will intrude and set the cycle off all over again. The cycle never seems to lessen in intensity or length. I go through the whole gamete of grief denial etc. I’ve learnt to sit it out, to chunter at the world, (can’t do big emotions with its though as too energy draining), and let the bubble close again. I try to validate my emotions though. I am allowed to feel this way, and yes it very definitely isn’t fair and is shit. I don’t think I will ever fully accept that this is it. I’d love a medical breakthrough just to be half of what I used to be. Our dreams are valid. You singing your songs on stage is a valid dream, and you should be allowed to both celebrate what you have done and grieve what you haven’t. (Right drs appointment soon, need to go)
SO true!! I love everything you say here. And I so relate, the cycle never lessens in intensity. Hope your drs appointment goes well 🌸
Thanks, a quick blood draw and then out of there, so relatively easy.
My triggers now tend to be the pics hubby takes on his walks out with the dog, I adore nature and always loved exploring new places. Kids are behind me now and I did that so not a trigger. Travelling abroad for holidays etc, just travelling I suppose - knowing if I go somewhere I can’t really explore because I will be resting from the journey. Only planning one or 2 small things in a weeks holiday. These irk me.
I SO miss nature too and travelling 🌸
I’m familiar with this bubble. My household isolated strictly for four years after the pandemic started (we’re still pretty strict) and I had such grief at everything I was missing and losing. But when I stayed within the bubble of my everyday present moments, I could find contentment. I ask myself if I should find a “better” way to cope, but I haven’t really come up with one.
I ask myself that very same question and I, too, haven’t come up with a better way to cope.
Thank you for sharing all this so openly. It’s a lot and I cannot imagine how this feels for you.
I only know what grief is because of those of you who have written about it. When I was grieving the loss of my life in 2018, the loss of my health, job, income, career. I did not know grief was what this was. Turned out I had a lot of it in my body, adding to the dysregulation.
I invested a big part of my healing into learning to regulate my emotions. It’s brought me a long way, though I still have some work to do. I’ve spent time grieving a friendship recently - a first for me to feel it in my body. I used to be so numbed out from all the drunk, drugs, tv, sex, work, I didn’t allow myself to feel.
I wrote my own interpretation of grief and acceptance a couple of years ago…the journey of it continues on even when I was at this point, experiencing over 50% wellness.
For anyone that has capacity and would like to read it:
https://warriorwithin.substack.com/p/all-parts-of-me
Emotional regulation is an important part of dealing with grief, too. Being able to validate and allow it in your body is definitely helpful. Thank you for sharing your writing 🌸❤️
Thank you for sharing. I, too, can relate to coping okay inside my bubble as well as the grief that comes when reminded about the things out of reach through no fault of me own. Hoping for better days ahead for all of us.
Hoping for better days for all of us too 🌸❤️
I'd be lost without my Bubble. It's a safe and quiet place for me to return to. Sometimes the grief can side swipe you out of nowhere. It could be anything or something I thought I was OK with but not on that particular day. Who knows. But it's ok. It happens. Sending you love from my Bubble to yours 🫶
And lots of love from my bubble to yours!
Talking with children is a big grief trigger for me too. A source of delight that often leads to a wave of grief. Not creating but reminding. Pressing on that tender spot. I am careful not to press on it myself (not that TV show, not that book) so that touch comes from the world outside of my life.
A few days ago I wrote in my journal, “I have a mother’s love. To whom shall I give it?”
I think there are many answers to that question: to my goddaughter, to my friends, the children of my friends, to my partner, to my cat, to the earth. To myself, in gently mothering myself through the grief.
But there is always this imagined daughter that exists just beyond my sight. 7 years sick now— could that be her age? Would she be 3 or 5 or 1? Growing inside me right now? I thought my life would be different. I thought it could include her.
Thank you, Madelleine, for creating a space where these words could flow through. I usually find it hard to talk about it. When I next do a Metta meditation for those who experience the suffering of wanting a child and not having one, I will include you. Inhale / the pain. Exhale / relief.
This is so beautiful, Ariana, and I love your question: I have a mother’s love. To whom shall I give it?” I will be asking myself that question, too. It’s powerful ❤️🌸