I think the closest I’ve come to emptinitus is being fully numbed out from head to toe and disconnected from every part of myself. But I’m not sure that’s the same thing?
I’ve def been creatively disengaged/empty -I felt dead inside. I have a photo from this time that’s now on my ten year passport and I look dead behind the eyes.
When it comes to relapse, the first one I had in 2020 was massive. I could have quite cheerfully ended it all and probably would have had I not been paralysed by the excruciating pain that was making me feel that way. I didn’t know relapse was what was happening. It lasted 6 months and I couldn’t communicate or express what was going on.
It helped me tremendously to find out that relapse is all part of the journey. With all future relapses I’ve been able to affirm “this is a relapse. And a small one at that”. It’s helped enormously.
I’ve experienced tons of shut down in my life. I wouldn’t allow myself to explore any creative possibility. Being creative came as a surprise to me. Being encouraged with it and by it has helped me tap into an unlimited resource that has been part of my healing.
I’ve healed a lot of trauma from this lifetime and past though, ancestral and self inflicted.
I am deeply sorry to hear about your dad. I can’t imagine how worrying that may be but Can understand that it’s to the extent of panic attacks. A parent and a care giver is huge. Feeling for you and I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! It’s so interesting to hear about the different kinds of shut down. I too, between my late teens and mid thirties didn’t allow myself any creative possibility. I even kept saying “I’m not a creative person”. Wow, I was wrong. And yes, creativity has been a massive part of my healing too.
I'm inspired to hear about your healing through creativity, and your insights about relapse really help as I contemplate my chronic fatigue journey. Thank you!
Glad to hear this, thanks for reaching out. I don’t think I’ve written any specific post about relapse so you’ve inspired me to write one. I’m very soon to be sharing a series of short pieces on recovery so i think I’ll add it in there. Thank you for the inspiration. If ever you want to chat through anything, I’m always on the other end of a DM.
Amazing, thanks so much! Really love the interaction here on Substack - feels so much more reciprocal and real than other platforms. I look forward to your series on recovery.
Sending big hugs during your challenging time. I enjoy your writing and meditations whenever they come.
I think I have experienced something similar to emptinitis. It’s like my body is there but somehow I’m not, I think I’ve had it a couple of times when I’ve been bed bound or just recently when I had a knee injury and was sofa bound (but me tall struggling with other life things). It’s almost like being under water for me, like a separation from the world and my reaction to it. I’m not sure if this is the same thing?
I absolutely love your naming of these parts of yourself. I must try and do the same, I imagine it’s good to separate yourself from them.
Thank you so much for the hugs and concerns! Yup, that sounds like emptinitis to me… especially the under water part and like you’re not in your body. Eek.
This sounds like what I experience ‘emptinitis’…I don’t have what is required to elaborate at the moment, due to being in that space now. Thankyou for sharing, il circle back.
emptinitis is being here behind the eyes only because there is no-where else to go and the room stretches on its own horizon that is not connecting to anything sound or vision or feeling, in any perceivable sense
This sounds so tough. Finding meaning is such a key part of what keeps us going as humans. I'm in huge admiration of your persistence in recording music (that is one of my dreams). Idon't have emptinitis because my adhd brain is forever overflowing with ideas, overwhelmgly so, but my body doesn't often have the capacity to execute many of them.
I can certainly relate to trauma stopping me engaging with the world through my work at times. For 3 weeks in November, I didn't write an essay or put anything out (after having a more or less weekly rhythm for weeks) because there was so much intensity and trauma coming up for me, I just couldn't engage. I started to believe my work didn't matter and there was no point doing it. The longer I didn't write, the worse it got. Finally broke out by getting to more nervous system capacity.
I'm glad to hear you'll be taking care of yourself by making your substack commitments more manageable.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! May I ask what music you play and wish to record? I have those periods too that you describe, an overflow of ideas but no energy to execute. Those periods are rough and stressful too.
I play a mix of folky and 'medicine' music - ukulele and harmonium, medicine drum and voice are my instruments of choice. How about you? Thanks for acknowledging those 'mismatched' periods, interesting you get them too. I hope things ease with your father - I can imagine that is really weighing on your mind.
Oooh yeah. I know this feeling too. It can be hard to define but when you're 'in' it, you know what it is. It's like coming to a fork in the road but you've lost your map, the battery is dead in your phone and your starting to dissolve into fog. Sending you a gentle hug 💖 I sincerely hope your father is feeling better 💖
I’ve been calling it lassitude. Hard to define without the machinery required to define. A haunting vague anxiety that permeates all effort and original thought. Or something like that…
Emptinitis is a powerful word, and I imagine it helps just the tiniest bit to be able to give it a name. I haven't experienced that per se, but as someone with double depression and chronic fatigue, I have felt something that would probably be similar.
I think the closest I’ve come to emptinitus is being fully numbed out from head to toe and disconnected from every part of myself. But I’m not sure that’s the same thing?
I’ve def been creatively disengaged/empty -I felt dead inside. I have a photo from this time that’s now on my ten year passport and I look dead behind the eyes.
When it comes to relapse, the first one I had in 2020 was massive. I could have quite cheerfully ended it all and probably would have had I not been paralysed by the excruciating pain that was making me feel that way. I didn’t know relapse was what was happening. It lasted 6 months and I couldn’t communicate or express what was going on.
It helped me tremendously to find out that relapse is all part of the journey. With all future relapses I’ve been able to affirm “this is a relapse. And a small one at that”. It’s helped enormously.
I’ve experienced tons of shut down in my life. I wouldn’t allow myself to explore any creative possibility. Being creative came as a surprise to me. Being encouraged with it and by it has helped me tap into an unlimited resource that has been part of my healing.
I’ve healed a lot of trauma from this lifetime and past though, ancestral and self inflicted.
I am deeply sorry to hear about your dad. I can’t imagine how worrying that may be but Can understand that it’s to the extent of panic attacks. A parent and a care giver is huge. Feeling for you and I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! It’s so interesting to hear about the different kinds of shut down. I too, between my late teens and mid thirties didn’t allow myself any creative possibility. I even kept saying “I’m not a creative person”. Wow, I was wrong. And yes, creativity has been a massive part of my healing too.
I'm inspired to hear about your healing through creativity, and your insights about relapse really help as I contemplate my chronic fatigue journey. Thank you!
Glad to hear this, thanks for reaching out. I don’t think I’ve written any specific post about relapse so you’ve inspired me to write one. I’m very soon to be sharing a series of short pieces on recovery so i think I’ll add it in there. Thank you for the inspiration. If ever you want to chat through anything, I’m always on the other end of a DM.
Amazing, thanks so much! Really love the interaction here on Substack - feels so much more reciprocal and real than other platforms. I look forward to your series on recovery.
Sending big hugs during your challenging time. I enjoy your writing and meditations whenever they come.
I think I have experienced something similar to emptinitis. It’s like my body is there but somehow I’m not, I think I’ve had it a couple of times when I’ve been bed bound or just recently when I had a knee injury and was sofa bound (but me tall struggling with other life things). It’s almost like being under water for me, like a separation from the world and my reaction to it. I’m not sure if this is the same thing?
I absolutely love your naming of these parts of yourself. I must try and do the same, I imagine it’s good to separate yourself from them.
I hope your dad is much better ❤️🩹
Thank you so much for the hugs and concerns! Yup, that sounds like emptinitis to me… especially the under water part and like you’re not in your body. Eek.
This sounds like what I experience ‘emptinitis’…I don’t have what is required to elaborate at the moment, due to being in that space now. Thankyou for sharing, il circle back.
I’m both glad and very saddened that you relate 🌸 So sorry you’re in this space now, it’s dreadful!
emptinitis is being here behind the eyes only because there is no-where else to go and the room stretches on its own horizon that is not connecting to anything sound or vision or feeling, in any perceivable sense
Perfect description!
This sounds so tough. Finding meaning is such a key part of what keeps us going as humans. I'm in huge admiration of your persistence in recording music (that is one of my dreams). Idon't have emptinitis because my adhd brain is forever overflowing with ideas, overwhelmgly so, but my body doesn't often have the capacity to execute many of them.
I can certainly relate to trauma stopping me engaging with the world through my work at times. For 3 weeks in November, I didn't write an essay or put anything out (after having a more or less weekly rhythm for weeks) because there was so much intensity and trauma coming up for me, I just couldn't engage. I started to believe my work didn't matter and there was no point doing it. The longer I didn't write, the worse it got. Finally broke out by getting to more nervous system capacity.
I'm glad to hear you'll be taking care of yourself by making your substack commitments more manageable.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! May I ask what music you play and wish to record? I have those periods too that you describe, an overflow of ideas but no energy to execute. Those periods are rough and stressful too.
I play a mix of folky and 'medicine' music - ukulele and harmonium, medicine drum and voice are my instruments of choice. How about you? Thanks for acknowledging those 'mismatched' periods, interesting you get them too. I hope things ease with your father - I can imagine that is really weighing on your mind.
Oooh that sounds lovely. Let’s us know if you have anything you want to share at any point. And thank you, my father is doing much better 🌸❤️
Oooh yeah. I know this feeling too. It can be hard to define but when you're 'in' it, you know what it is. It's like coming to a fork in the road but you've lost your map, the battery is dead in your phone and your starting to dissolve into fog. Sending you a gentle hug 💖 I sincerely hope your father is feeling better 💖
Great imagery! And yes, thank you, my dad is much better 🌸🌸
I’ve been calling it lassitude. Hard to define without the machinery required to define. A haunting vague anxiety that permeates all effort and original thought. Or something like that…
Lassitude, that’s a good word too!
Emptinitis is a powerful word, and I imagine it helps just the tiniest bit to be able to give it a name. I haven't experienced that per se, but as someone with double depression and chronic fatigue, I have felt something that would probably be similar.
Sending lots of <3 to you and your dad.
I do feel it helps to name it! And thank you for the love 🌸❤️