When I became ill with ME/CFS, lost my career, my income, my friends and got to meet the paternalistic and demeaning welfare system I viscerally understood the privilege we had (and still do) have.
I’ll have to sit with this one a bit more. As I’m not sure I’m particularly nostalgic from the past.
I didn’t have an ideal childhood. I lived In fear and terror. It was a shock to connect to the privilege I had given this was the case (roof over our head, food on the table, education to college, both parents together etc). I felt unloved, uncared for and neglected growing up.
I’ve learned through healing that it was my emotional needs that were neglected. Not having my emotional needs met is the one thing that’s caused the most catastrophe on my life - mental illness, severe illness, burnout, breakdown and eventual disability by it all.
In 8 years of therapy (mostly hands on/trauma healing) and deep inner work/full integration, I’ve healed all of it. Not just this lifetime, but past and also full ancestral line.
I look back on my life and connect to all the lovely memories. I feel safe now in a way I didn’t before. I feel loved (in a fully embodied sense), cared for, nurtured, nourished - every single day. I learned to do this for myself.
It’s the polarity I’m becoming more intrigued in. As to how dark and light coexist together. I loved the freedom of my adulthood (I was too numbed out to realise I wasn’t really feeling free in myself). I partied every weekend. Had a great time with all my friend. Lots of privilege.
I was also severely ill, I just didn’t tell anyone (beyond what I thought you were supposed to do). I was suicidal twice in my life. I didn’t care of myself. I hadn’t learned how.
Nostalgia is such a complex thing because there is a lot of privilege involved. An ideal childhood (like mine) is definitely a privilege. There are so many mental health issues one avoids with an ideal childhood. I so see how complex it is in that your adulthood was liberating, but numbed out. I was quite numbed out in my teenage years. I really am not nostalgic for my teenage years…
This is what I thought as I read this lovely essay. I don't have nostalgia for the past. My childhood was a horror show, and I was born with a heart defect so I don't have any healthy days from my youth for which I'm nostalgic. My life now, despite my body's inability to do things most normal people can, is probably the best I've had. I finally have a loving relationship, a stable home, and the ability to relax from hypervigilance.
No nostalgia. I'm my own rescue dog, living in my forever home.
I used to do animal rescue in Detroit for many years. You wouldn’t believe how well some of these dogs rebound and flourish after the most horrific circumstances.
I’ve found nostalgia a double-edged sword… it has often been painful to remember more bodily freedom. But recently I woke from a dream of swimming and realised that I have many beautiful memories stored and if I can revisit them without envy they are so much more real. I pair that with leaning into and actively seeking what joys are available now because I’m aware that now might one day be the past I’m nostalgic for in the future.
I don't know if I feel nostalgic because the pre-ill pre-Covid me seems like a different person now. It's like I'm thinking about somebody else, who was so much stronger than I am now. But at the same time somebody who was full of other worries. Things that I have to make an effort to remember. I do miss some simple things though, like being able to go and drink a coffee in a cafe, and having a clear fatigue free head 😔
I so hear you. With chronic illness we’ve shed a lot of small-stuff worries. Oh I so miss going to a café and a clear head, I think I miss the clear head the most. I just wish I had used it more purposeful back then.
The evidence that nostalgia can be beneficial is intriguing. Conscious practice of what brings relief, pleasure, contentment, and peace into the system once again showing itself to have power and presence. Our instincts to create worlds within worlds for ourselves are right and healthy. This is going to go somewhere. ✨ 🙏🏽
It is indeed intriguing. I wonder if you can create your own nostalgia (ie daydreaming) or if it has to have been a lived reality for it to be beneficial.
The potential for self and communally generated nostalgia is what I was feeling. Visualization, somatic, mindfulness practices can re wire the brain and regulate the nervous system - so why not get nonlinear and imaginative about the timeline? Memory is so subjective anyway! Maybe it’s the writer/creative in me but this feels like a rich field of possibilities. 💗
Thank you for this very helpful writing. I find myself nostalgiac for the recent past, especially for travel and for the feeling of being able to trust my body to walk wherever I needed to go and for as long as I needed to walk. That kind of freedom of movement was a privilege. I took a short trip to Italy with my daughter just before the pandemic. I revisited those places and those experiences in my memories almost daily for years after I got sick. It was an important touchstone to who I used to be, and even more, the images of beautiful places were a great comfort to me and a kind of sojourn in themselves.
Oh yes, freedom of movement is indeed a privilege. I love that your trips are a balm to you and a place of comfort. Even though I’m sure you miss it too.
I’ll have to sit with this one a bit more. As I’m not sure I’m particularly nostalgic from the past.
I didn’t have an ideal childhood. I lived In fear and terror. It was a shock to connect to the privilege I had given this was the case (roof over our head, food on the table, education to college, both parents together etc). I felt unloved, uncared for and neglected growing up.
I’ve learned through healing that it was my emotional needs that were neglected. Not having my emotional needs met is the one thing that’s caused the most catastrophe on my life - mental illness, severe illness, burnout, breakdown and eventual disability by it all.
In 8 years of therapy (mostly hands on/trauma healing) and deep inner work/full integration, I’ve healed all of it. Not just this lifetime, but past and also full ancestral line.
I look back on my life and connect to all the lovely memories. I feel safe now in a way I didn’t before. I feel loved (in a fully embodied sense), cared for, nurtured, nourished - every single day. I learned to do this for myself.
It’s the polarity I’m becoming more intrigued in. As to how dark and light coexist together. I loved the freedom of my adulthood (I was too numbed out to realise I wasn’t really feeling free in myself). I partied every weekend. Had a great time with all my friend. Lots of privilege.
I was also severely ill, I just didn’t tell anyone (beyond what I thought you were supposed to do). I was suicidal twice in my life. I didn’t care of myself. I hadn’t learned how.
Nostalgia is such a complex thing because there is a lot of privilege involved. An ideal childhood (like mine) is definitely a privilege. There are so many mental health issues one avoids with an ideal childhood. I so see how complex it is in that your adulthood was liberating, but numbed out. I was quite numbed out in my teenage years. I really am not nostalgic for my teenage years…
This is what I thought as I read this lovely essay. I don't have nostalgia for the past. My childhood was a horror show, and I was born with a heart defect so I don't have any healthy days from my youth for which I'm nostalgic. My life now, despite my body's inability to do things most normal people can, is probably the best I've had. I finally have a loving relationship, a stable home, and the ability to relax from hypervigilance.
No nostalgia. I'm my own rescue dog, living in my forever home.
“I’m my own rescue dog.” I love this 🩷
I used to do animal rescue in Detroit for many years. You wouldn’t believe how well some of these dogs rebound and flourish after the most horrific circumstances.
I’m so glad to hear that you now feel safe and loved after a horror show of a childhood. I can only imagine the journey you’ve been on to get here💜
It matters less how I got here and more that I’m finally here.
💕💕💫
I’ve found nostalgia a double-edged sword… it has often been painful to remember more bodily freedom. But recently I woke from a dream of swimming and realised that I have many beautiful memories stored and if I can revisit them without envy they are so much more real. I pair that with leaning into and actively seeking what joys are available now because I’m aware that now might one day be the past I’m nostalgic for in the future.
I feel exactly the same way!
I don't know if I feel nostalgic because the pre-ill pre-Covid me seems like a different person now. It's like I'm thinking about somebody else, who was so much stronger than I am now. But at the same time somebody who was full of other worries. Things that I have to make an effort to remember. I do miss some simple things though, like being able to go and drink a coffee in a cafe, and having a clear fatigue free head 😔
I so hear you. With chronic illness we’ve shed a lot of small-stuff worries. Oh I so miss going to a café and a clear head, I think I miss the clear head the most. I just wish I had used it more purposeful back then.
The evidence that nostalgia can be beneficial is intriguing. Conscious practice of what brings relief, pleasure, contentment, and peace into the system once again showing itself to have power and presence. Our instincts to create worlds within worlds for ourselves are right and healthy. This is going to go somewhere. ✨ 🙏🏽
It is indeed intriguing. I wonder if you can create your own nostalgia (ie daydreaming) or if it has to have been a lived reality for it to be beneficial.
The potential for self and communally generated nostalgia is what I was feeling. Visualization, somatic, mindfulness practices can re wire the brain and regulate the nervous system - so why not get nonlinear and imaginative about the timeline? Memory is so subjective anyway! Maybe it’s the writer/creative in me but this feels like a rich field of possibilities. 💗
I couldn’t agree more!
Thank you for this very helpful writing. I find myself nostalgiac for the recent past, especially for travel and for the feeling of being able to trust my body to walk wherever I needed to go and for as long as I needed to walk. That kind of freedom of movement was a privilege. I took a short trip to Italy with my daughter just before the pandemic. I revisited those places and those experiences in my memories almost daily for years after I got sick. It was an important touchstone to who I used to be, and even more, the images of beautiful places were a great comfort to me and a kind of sojourn in themselves.
Oh yes, freedom of movement is indeed a privilege. I love that your trips are a balm to you and a place of comfort. Even though I’m sure you miss it too.