The missing ingredient in gratitude practices

There can be a fine line between gratitude practices and toxic positivity and the missing piece is recognition of injustice and hardship.

I can sometimes get angry at the thought of gratitude practices. I feel a smidge of toxic positivity creep in, asking me to turn a dire situation into something positive. 

Perhaps my aversion towards gratitude practice comes from spending too many years in the wellness/coaching world, where a lot of my peers wanted me to ‘be positive’ or alluded that I was still sick because of my negative mindset. I often felt pushed to feel grateful for my illness and all the things it has taught me in a warped attempt to promote post-traumatic growth, without recognising everything that this illness has taken away and the lasting trauma and scars it has caused.

See, I want some acknowledgment that lying in bed with severe ME, the curtains drawn everyday, a mushy brain, and having to fight social services for our basic rights, being neglected by the medical world, and facing stigma, on top of incessant exhaustion and pain is devastating, even though there are people that have it worse than me (which there are and my thoughts and prayers go out to you!).

I recently lost a case with social services, which means I (and other patients living with ME in Denmark) are not eligible to get medical costs for medication associated with ME covered, because the Danish system views ME as a psychosomatic illness and not something that is treated medically (I won’t go into details, but that’s the general gist). It means I’m completely financially dependent on my parents. It’s not possible for me to live on my own, unless I choose between medication or food.

And this is where my problem with gratitude practices comes in: I jump to gratitude way too fast.

It’s become an incessant voice inside my head that keeps dismissing any emotion I have. In this case the voice keeps saying: “At least you have a roof over your head and parents that can take care of you.’ All this is true, and a very worthwhile point, but the gratitude voice jumps in a step (or a couple of steps) too early in the process.

It is actually self-gaslighting, because the voice essentially tells me thay my feelings about the situation, and the intensity of those feelings, are wrong.

Self-gaslighting happens when you deny yourself your reality and where you critisize the emotions that come up for you in some way. Forcing gratitude before you have truly acknowledged the circumstances and your true emotions about it turns into self-gaslighting.

I’ve noticed that my body responds with massive bouts of irritation when I gaslight myself. It’s as if my body is trying to get my attention by saying: “Dude, that’s a do-over, there’s something here you’re not acknowledging.”

Gratitude cannot stand alone. It needs to be married with a deep recognition of everything that is difficult, too. Acknowledging what hurts and what is difficult doesn’t make you a negative person, it definitely doesn’t prolong illness, and it doesn’t cause more of the same negative stuff. In fact, it might even make you a more empathetic human being.

But I do find the value in gratitude, AFTER everything has been fully acknowledged. I have found, however, that another word works better for me: Appreciation. For me, the word appreciation works differently than gratitude, as gratitude can imply that there is someone or something to be grateful to, and for some reason that just doesn’t work for me right now as I’m struggling spiritually with my Higher Power.

This is simply my personal preference. Perhaps you work differently. If the word gratitude works for you, if it lifts you up, then please continue it (but please don't force it onto others or call other people negative when all they want is recognition) — and do remember to acknowledge your emotions and the situation you’re actually in.

If you, like me, have bad experiences with gratitude practices, or if the word just doesn't do it for you, try using the word ‘appreciate’ instead. For some reason this works for me. 

So instead of asking myself “what are you grateful for?” I ask myself, “what do you appreciate today?”

Here is my list of appreciation these days: 

I appreciate the beautiful art on my wall.

I appreciate my online ME friends who get me. 

I appreciate the one abled friend who stuck with me.

I appreciate my ipad and Netflix. 

I appreciate the fried rice my dad makes for me and the oat milk ice cream with chocolate drizzles my mom makes me (and all the other good food).

I appreciate the ‘awake’ moments I have where my brain can write a bit or my body can sing a bit.

I appreciate the beautiful flowers my mom planted for me outside my window and that I am able to sit upright for 2 minutes to look at them. 

I appreciate the people in my life that acknowledge our suffering and despite their own privilege acknowledge that life can be immensely hard for certain groups of people.

I appreciate my loving parents.

Over to you:

What is your relationship to gratitude practices like?

What situation or emotions do you need to acknowledge right now?

What do you appreciate today? 

I would really appreciate it if you would share this post so others get to enjoy it too.