Thank you Madelleine, I’ve missed you while I’m glad you gave yourself the space & time to do what is so important for you. I feel that becoming ill has unlocked something in my writing, even as it robs me of stamina to do as much of it as I want.
I felt not good enough earlier today. I have a sinus infection & having extra POTS symptoms plus less energy as my body tries to heal.
For over a year now I kept thinking, “what am I allowed to have” and I realise it is part of the ‘not enough’ story. Because I am sick and not producing income, I am not allowed ease or help or joy (according to one of my Parts & probably some of our culture & society). I’m glad I am unlearning that belief about myself, not just about other people.
Being good enough is allowing me to want good things for myself, and trusting I may even get them sometimes. It sounds small, from the inside experience it is a big change.
Ooh I so hear you! That ‘not good enough’ story can really mess with us. And yea, I have trouble with allowing/feeling I’m allowed to have the little joys too. It’s as if being chronically ill means you have to be stuck in survivial mode, because you aren’t ‘producing’.
That’s incredible depth of insight. And unlearning all this is huge. I see how it sounds small (esp to society where no value, reward or recognition is placed on healing and taking care of your needs) but I appreciate all too well the big change that you speak of inside. Often, the wins are only there when you look for them and this is one I’ve come to see as a mighty big win✨
Thanks for sharing all of this. I feel there is big benefit to be gained from seeing, hearing and reading real life examples. Plus, we don’t see all the work that goes on behind the scenes when it all comes out so polished and can be made to look easy. (Like book writing)
The not enough wound was a huuuuuge area of deep dark uncomfortable healing for me last year. An extension of the “I’m not worth it” wound triggering me into relapse back in 2021 when rearing its head for my attention.
I’d say I’ve pretty much lived my life from making (subconscious) decisions from a place of not feeling good enough. What I find interesting was that I was nicknamed “good girl” from a young age. So I managed to learn to give off the impression that I was good, learnt to play by the rules. Yet at no point did I ever feel good enough nor did that external validation (when I had it) gift me what as an adult I’d been conditioned to learn to seek (at all costs). My entire life has been full of illusion and I am waking up to this more and more.
Yeah, the ‘not good enough’ wound is so insiduous and difficult to work with as it has to be done from the inside — as you say, no amount of external validation helped. Are you beginning to make decisions from a different place now that you’re more aware?
Oh gosh, yes, absolutely. One little example that springs to mind was the book proposal I submit to hay house last year. Coming from a place of “enough” I really felt that the proposal was a winning one. So I called it a winning book proposal to everyone I spoke to. It was, however, very unpolished. The sample chapters were below par. I knew al this when submitting it 5 mins before the deadline. For the first time in my life I felt good enough. That i’d done my very best. And that my best was good enough.
I’m one of only a very small cohort who’s been fortunate enough to resubmit again this year. (No other in person hay house event anywhere in the world except London last year). And on Sunday I resubmit what I still very strongly believe is a winning book proposal. Only this time, it’s polished and my sample chapters are to a high standard.
What’s to come from it remains to be seen. But it’s great to know and understand my own worth. And for how I feel about my work not to be dependant on any outcome. (That book is getting published either way - I’m ready to self publish it if need be). Thus is all Totally new territory to me.
I’m glad you got through it. I still get bout’s of this feeling when my mood is low, and I’ve credibly made bad choices because of that in the past. It’s hard living with chronic illness for so many reasons though grief for all we’ve lost is a big part of it.
Thank you Madelleine, I’ve missed you while I’m glad you gave yourself the space & time to do what is so important for you. I feel that becoming ill has unlocked something in my writing, even as it robs me of stamina to do as much of it as I want.
I felt not good enough earlier today. I have a sinus infection & having extra POTS symptoms plus less energy as my body tries to heal.
For over a year now I kept thinking, “what am I allowed to have” and I realise it is part of the ‘not enough’ story. Because I am sick and not producing income, I am not allowed ease or help or joy (according to one of my Parts & probably some of our culture & society). I’m glad I am unlearning that belief about myself, not just about other people.
Being good enough is allowing me to want good things for myself, and trusting I may even get them sometimes. It sounds small, from the inside experience it is a big change.
Ooh I so hear you! That ‘not good enough’ story can really mess with us. And yea, I have trouble with allowing/feeling I’m allowed to have the little joys too. It’s as if being chronically ill means you have to be stuck in survivial mode, because you aren’t ‘producing’.
But once you see/hear yourself say that BS you see it for what it is. Thank you, Madelleine, lets all of us keep calling BS for each other 🫶
That’s incredible depth of insight. And unlearning all this is huge. I see how it sounds small (esp to society where no value, reward or recognition is placed on healing and taking care of your needs) but I appreciate all too well the big change that you speak of inside. Often, the wins are only there when you look for them and this is one I’ve come to see as a mighty big win✨
Thank you for the generous comment Amber, its often in the words of others, in discussion, that we recognise such mighty big wins.
You’re welcome. Cheerleading you on all the way here🤩✨
Thanks for sharing all of this. I feel there is big benefit to be gained from seeing, hearing and reading real life examples. Plus, we don’t see all the work that goes on behind the scenes when it all comes out so polished and can be made to look easy. (Like book writing)
The not enough wound was a huuuuuge area of deep dark uncomfortable healing for me last year. An extension of the “I’m not worth it” wound triggering me into relapse back in 2021 when rearing its head for my attention.
I’d say I’ve pretty much lived my life from making (subconscious) decisions from a place of not feeling good enough. What I find interesting was that I was nicknamed “good girl” from a young age. So I managed to learn to give off the impression that I was good, learnt to play by the rules. Yet at no point did I ever feel good enough nor did that external validation (when I had it) gift me what as an adult I’d been conditioned to learn to seek (at all costs). My entire life has been full of illusion and I am waking up to this more and more.
Yeah, the ‘not good enough’ wound is so insiduous and difficult to work with as it has to be done from the inside — as you say, no amount of external validation helped. Are you beginning to make decisions from a different place now that you’re more aware?
Oh gosh, yes, absolutely. One little example that springs to mind was the book proposal I submit to hay house last year. Coming from a place of “enough” I really felt that the proposal was a winning one. So I called it a winning book proposal to everyone I spoke to. It was, however, very unpolished. The sample chapters were below par. I knew al this when submitting it 5 mins before the deadline. For the first time in my life I felt good enough. That i’d done my very best. And that my best was good enough.
I’m one of only a very small cohort who’s been fortunate enough to resubmit again this year. (No other in person hay house event anywhere in the world except London last year). And on Sunday I resubmit what I still very strongly believe is a winning book proposal. Only this time, it’s polished and my sample chapters are to a high standard.
What’s to come from it remains to be seen. But it’s great to know and understand my own worth. And for how I feel about my work not to be dependant on any outcome. (That book is getting published either way - I’m ready to self publish it if need be). Thus is all Totally new territory to me.
Oh woooow!! This is truly powerful! I love this story ❤️🌸
I’m glad you got through it. I still get bout’s of this feeling when my mood is low, and I’ve credibly made bad choices because of that in the past. It’s hard living with chronic illness for so many reasons though grief for all we’ve lost is a big part of it.
I love Tara brachs book 💛
💙💕🥰