The power of self-witnessing in chronic illness
My world is small, I’m very isolated and not many people see what is really going on beneath it all. Self-witnessing can be a way to alleviate the feeling of being invisible.
Living with chronic illness is like an iceberg – people only see the very tip of it, and rarely (if ever) see everything going on beneath it: All the hard work we put into managing and navigating our physical, emotional, spiritual and mental bodies.
While others see us carrying on, they don’t see the pain we endure, how we work hard to look normal or keep in our true emotions so as not to scare people off, the relentless fatigue we fight, the quiet strength it takes to wake up every day, all the thoughts that able-bodied people don’t have and don’t need.
I sometimes get this feeling like I’m being erased. It’s a ghostly feeling and I don’t care for it. While part of it originates from the loss of my inner world due to neuroinflammation and a lack of physical energy in the body, some of it also stems from not being seen. My world is small, I’m very isolated and not many people see what is really going on beneath it all. And some things nobody see at all.
I get a sense of irritation and frustration when the feeling of being erased surfaces, and then I know it’s time to do some self-witnessing.
I close my eyes, place my hand over my heart if I have the strength, and I become a witness to myself, saying things like:
“I see how hard you are working, trying to hold on to what you have left.”
“I see your struggle, how much pain you are in.”
“I know you long for a walk outside, being able to cook your own food and gentle hugs.”
“I see how much you care about people hearing your words – you have a lot to tell the world.”
“I see how distraught you are at the lack of physical improvement.”
“I understand your anger at the injustices of the world, and I see how much you care.”
As people living with chronic illness we are often told that we are exaggerating our pain or being overly dramatic when we describe our symptoms and experience, but the truth is we often downplay our pain and distress. We don’t want even more rejection or for other people to feel too uncomfortable (because face it, they often do), so we hide large parts of what is really going on beneath the surface.
I must admit, I love it when other people say the above things to me – when they see what I’m going through and acknowledge it without turning me into a burden or concern. But this doesn’t always happen, and so self-witnessing can be a deeply liberating act of self-care. It becomes one thing you can control in a world where you already have so little control.
One way to start witnessing yourself is to ask: “How are you feeling today – like really?” And answer it as honestly as you can. Then place your hand on your heart (or don’t) and say to yourself with intent what you need to hear today. Acknowledge every single feeling or thought or experience, small or large, rational or not. You are welcome to use my sentences above, or make (and share below) your own.
I’ve noticed that self-witnessing helps keep my inner critic at bay, it lessens the frustrations I have with my body and my situation and it strengthens my empathy muscles, which means it becomes easier for me to witness others too. It also helps me recognise the enormous strength it takes to actually get through the day. I also noticed that self-witnessing helps me be more open in my friendships, which in turn helps me be more seen by those around me.
Tell me…
What do you need to witness about yourself today?
Do you sometimes get the feeling of being erased too?
Do you have any other ways you self-witness?
Thank you so much for reading this post. If you know someone who could benefit from this, then please share this page with them. You are also more than welcome to share it in your Facebook or other patient support groups.
Did you miss?
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Finding peace in a bubble of acceptance while living with severe chronic illness
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Another great post! Really well put.
My greatest struggles of all have been not feeling seen. This can still, on occasion, lead to a full blown attack. (Or maybe more than on occasion and I just haven’t fully realised? Going to sit with this one being as I’m in recovery from a mild attack and see if I can tune into where I’m not feeling seen).
The only way I’ve found to feel seen and feel validated is to learn to self validate and explore my own inner landscape in a similar way you describe.
Connecting with how I’m feeling is a big one. Asking myself how I can support how I’m feeling really helped me learn to emotionally regulate the other year when I began to practice it every day.
I wrote a post called invisible me the other year with some other practices I have on how I’m making myself seen
https://warriorwithin.substack.com/p/invisible-me
Oooh I feel this in my bones. The grief of mourning all the past selves and future selves, and other people scarcely noticing or acknowledging that. I began witnessing myself during the deep covid lockdowns. “I see how hard you are trying, and I admire your courage because I know how frightened you are” I use oftener than I’d like to admit. Last night my inner critic said, “You know what’s wrong with you...” and prepared to settle in to clarify. I said, “Yes, absolutely nothing is wrong with me, I am sick but that doesn’t mean I did anything wrong or I am anything wrong. ”