I wasn’t suicidal, I just wanted peace
I was free-diving in Tanzania and all of a sudden I didn't want to come back for air. I wrote a song about it.
I wrote this song for all my chronically ill and neurodivergent peers, all of us with bodies and minds that don’t fit in, who’ve had to figure out how to live in a world which is too loud, too aggressive, too broken and not suited to our needs. Chronic illness makes you a stranger to your own life, while the world keeps going on without you, like you were never really part of it. I wrote Where Cold Hearts Go to Pray as a resting place — a sacred world for those of us who’ve been left behind.
All income for the first year (possibly more) will go to Open Medicine Foundation for vital ME/CFS and Long Covid research. You can support the cause by purchasing the music on Bandcamp or iTunes.
If you can’t listen to music, then here are the lyrics.
The song is from a memory I have when I was freediving while living in Tanzania. I was in the beginning stages of illness and my senses were overwhelming me. Everything was too bright, too loud, too smelly, too aggressive.
I took my usual deep breath and went under. I was in heaven: the vacuum-like silence, the water caressing my achy bones, the stillness of it all. And then I noticed it — a feeling that I didn’t want to come back for air, that I wanted to stay here and not feel anything but the stillness. It both scared me and awed me at the same time.
My body screamed: STOP! I was only three metres down, I have done at least twenty-five metres in one breath before, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to dive that day.
I’ve also realised later on that with all the inflammation happening in my body, I wasn’t able to hold my breath for very long. I remember feeling my lungs were tighter.
That transcendent stillness under the water is something I still long for. On days when I find it hard to live in my body I take myself back there, under the blue, and it relaxes me.
The verses came easily to me, and so did the piano introduction. I wish I had written down what inspired me or how I came up with the intro part, because I love it so much and want to know how I did it so I can do it again. I have no idea how I created the chord sequence, it just came through my fingers. I love the magic when this happens, but it also scares me because I feel I will never be able to do it again.
I was stuck on the lyrics for the chorus and I started looking at the books in the apartment I was living in. I found a bible and as I was flipping through it I saw the words cold and heart and so the hook for this song was born.
By cold hearts I don’t mean unfriendly or mean, but hearts that have become cold because of a lack of compassion shown to them. I felt like a ‘cold heart’, as many of my friends disappeared and many people around me didn’t understand my situation or my needs. My heart felt cold.
Jonas Müller (my brother) plays the piano. François Perdriau has mixed and Pete Maher has mastered the song. I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to have my song accompanied by such excellent musicians. They really brought out the vibe in the song.
All income for the first year (maybe more) will go to Open Medicine Foundation for vital ME/CFS and Long Covid research. You can support the cause by purchasing the music on Bandcamp or iTunes.
Purchase or stream the music here.
Tell me…
What is a place you go to in your mind to find solace?
When can the world be too loud for you? Is it too broken?
What are your favourite lines from the song? Here are the lyrics
I’d love to know in the comments below.
Thank you so much for reading this post. If you know someone who could benefit from this, then please share this page with them. You are also more than welcome to share it in your Facebook or other patient support groups.
Did you miss?
My debut single is out! Salem: A song for the disbelieved
How I created my album from bed and wheelchair
When doctors turned their backs on us, I wrote this song
Meditation: Connecting to the Earth
Are you looking for all the meditations? Click here
Are you looking for all music? Click here
I want you to know…
I’ll be sending out one more single and then my album drops on 29th August. I don’t know what my energy levels will be like during this period as I’ve never tried this before. I’m expecting lots of emotions during this release time and emotions can be taxing.
So please bear with me during this upcoming period. I will most likely veer off schedule and I cannot say how often I’ll be sending out essays or meditations.
This was beautiful Madelleine. Thank you for sharing it with us.
The line that stuck with me was “I know you want me to surface again”
That’s how I feel people treat me. They want the “old” me. They want the me before chronic illness. They want me to be “better”.
They don’t stop to consider what I want, or whether what they’re asking of me is even possible. They just demand normalcy for their own sake, or they leave me to sink.
As you say it gives us cold hearts, not because we’re uncaring, but because people reject our hearts. They reject us. We don’t deserve it.
I think this song will really resonate with people dealing with abandonment due to their chronic illness… I know it certainly resonated with me 💜
Really love this song, thank you 💙 and I really appreciate the chronic illness artist playlist you made on Spotify!! I’ve enjoyed it so much, and it’s helped me feel less alone just like your songs do. Thank you for spending your precious energy creating art like this 🎵